why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
