You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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