so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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