I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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