so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
