Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
