right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
