Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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