just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
