Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
