my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
