3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
