sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
