pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
