It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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