I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
