Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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