Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
