Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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