Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
