i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
