I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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