I hate all girls vehemently.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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