The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
