I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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