Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
