So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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