NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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