My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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