I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
