Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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