You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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