Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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