So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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