I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
