if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
