Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
