I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
