My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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