First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
