my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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