Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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