i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Can you bring me the toilet please
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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