I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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