OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
