dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
