You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
