My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You were trust falling into bushes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
