Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sober January is a disaster.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
