Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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