Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
