There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
